Remember what they say in those Whisper ads? ‘All those five days of the month aren’t the same. Sometimes the flow is less, sometimes more’. Well, that is exactly what I’m going through as I type this post. The flow of my creative juices is at its worst at the moment, and I’m completely blank on what to write about. Hence, I started writing randomly, letting my brain and my fingers do the work, while my heart and I visit the Victoria’s Secret party.
Talking about periods, did Justin Bieber finally get them?
The reason why I so badly want to write something is that it’s a Sunday morning, and I’m sitting alone in my home in Baroda. (For the unawares, I was born, kicked in the crotch, and brought up in Bombay. I recently moved to Baroda. I stay with my Uncle and Aunt here, but we have our own second house in Baroda too, where I come every weekend. Life seems to be a big fan of ironies, because back in Bombay when I had girlfriends, I had no empty apartment. And now when I have a fully furnished house wholly to myself, all I have to enjoy it with is my left hand. My left hand to operate my laptop, you pervert. My right hand is the one that grabs and strokes. Grabs and strokes my right knee, I got hurt there.) And when I’m alone in the house, I HAVE to write. I would find the time spent alone to be utterly useless if I don’t write something. And it’s frustrating when during such times I don’t get ideas, because it is more or less during such times itself that I generally do.
I normally get my best ideas when I’m in the shower, but Sundays are generally my ‘no-bath’ days. This is because Sunday is God’s day, and God meant us to be like this. He gave us water to quench our thirst, not to bath with. He made it so that the living beings would drink it, and not pour it on their bodies. I’m sure God must have freaked out when he saw humans pouring water on their bodies for the first time.
“It is meant to be drunk, you fucking idiot!” he must have yelled from the sky.
But I guess I will take a bath today, because I love the Jaguar shower here. Every single drop feels like it’s wrapped in bubble paper. Maybe I should get a big sheet of bubble wrap paper. That will keep me busy the whole day.
So yeah, I have to write. And I’m not a talented writer to be able to narrate my life’s incidences in the form of boring philosophy. Nor am I Robert Frost, one of the smartest poets in history. Smartest, because he made a legendary poem out of a mugging incident. Here’s what actually happened with him –
Two Roads Diverged in the woods and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
And that is where I got robbed.
The bugger got mugged in the secluded street. But what he did of it? He made one of modern time’s best poetry.
After he learnt his lesson, he decided never to take halts in a journey, because he became super paranoid of getting mugged again. Which is why he wrote –
But I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.
I’m a strong believer of one thing. Whatever happens happens for a reason. Every smallest occurrence has a reason behind it. From a pin falling from your hand, to a plane crash, to Rakhi Sawant growing boobs again, it all has a reason. The universe is constantly conspiring, for every living being, and all events are related, unknown to the naked eye. I know I sound like the illegitimate child of Paulo Coelho and the writers of How I Met Your Mother, but I do believe strongly in this.
And off late, the universe is giving me certain signals, or so I believe. As I had mentioned in one of my blog posts, I’m in the Ted Mosby phase of my life, looking out for my ‘the one’. And I have a certain checklist of qualities which I want in my girl. Everyone does. My checklist (I know you care an anorexic model’s ass about it) is as follows:
1) She should be fun. So far, my most favourite company is myself. She should be so much fun, that I should love being with her more than I love being with myself.
2) She should be crazy about F.R.I.E.N.D.S, just like I am. I really wish to have a Friends Marathon with my girl someday.
3) She should be interesting. And interested in stuff. General Knowledge and Current Affairs stuff. When I out of the blue start discussing the Mayan civilization, she should NOT think I’m a geek. I will slap her.
4) As far as possible, I wouldn’t prefer a corporate chick.
5) She should be my best friend. I should be able to openly check out girls while being with her, and she should be a sport about it. Rather, in spite of being my girl, she should point out hot chicks for me.
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai released when I was very young. I guess I was in fourth or fifth standard. In the movie, when Archana Puran Singh asks her students ‘Pyaar Kya Hai? What is love?’ I said to myself ‘What chutiyapa is this?! Which teacher asks such questions?’.
And then when she asks Shahrukh to answer, my ears stood up a little, like a dog. It was a Karan Johar movie, with Shahrukh and Kajol, who were like the ‘the’ pair back then. So I got very hopeful about the definition of love that was about to come. But then the bozo said ‘Pyaar Dosti Hai!’.
‘My ass,’ I said.
I obviously expected something more meaningful and complicated.
But today, I finally realize that there couldn’t be a better definition of love than that. Love is friendship. If you two aren’t the best of friends, the relationship won’t last.
I know many girls would oppose me on this (guys care a fuck), but believe it or not, love fades. No matter how much ever you love someone, it does evaporate over time. What lasts, and makes the relationship last, is friendship.
Chandler and Monica are my most ideal couple ever; hence I would give their example here. They were the best of friends before they fell in love. If you notice, they are madly in love and all over each other only in season 5 and 6, and somewhat 7. What continues after that between them is their best friendship. Of course, love is there. I’m not saying it goes away completely. I’m just saying the percentage contribution of love in the relationship falls.
So yeah, she should be my best friend
6) She should never want to change her beliefs and thinking according to what the society thinks is right. She should be herself, always.
7) She should be a big time foodie. I don’t mind being with a fat girl. I want someone who loves food as much as I do.
8) She should be a reader. ‘Books? Ewww! I hate books. How can you read a whole book?’. ONE TIGHT SLAP!
9) Her movie tastes should be such that I could let her talk to other people in my absence. ‘Hey you saw Bodyguard? What awesome movie na?’. ONE TIGHT SLAP!
10) Her English should not make me want to shoot her and then hang myself. I am a grammar-cum-pronunciation freak. If she talks like ‘Arre I did it like that only’, her life will be shortened.
11) Mom dad should like her.
See. So simple. If anyone of you (girls) feels you fit in all the above mentioned criteria, please contact me on email@example.com, with your nude pic. I shall revert soon. If I don’t, keep checking popular porn sites. Surprise! :P (Isn’t the :P smiley a life saver? So many friendships would have broken had it not been for ‘:P’. Think of the reaction you will receive when you comment on someone’s FB pic as ‘Wow, you look hot! :P’ as opposed to ‘Wow, you look hot!’ )
Anyway. So the signal that I believe the universe is off late giving me is that I’m going to end up with someone who maybe won’t fit in all the points mentioned above, yet I would find her perfect.
Following are the signals that I received over the past two days:
1) An office colleague is getting married. She said ‘the guy has all the qualities that I never wanted in my guy; still I love him and I’m getting married to him!’
2) I was discussing How I Met Your Mother. I casually said that the show would conclude with Ted finding someone not at all perfect as per him, yet he would love her.
3) This post by Upasana.
Are these actual signals? Or am I being stupid? I don’t know.
So kids, this is how you write a crap post, that makes no sense and has no head or tail whatsoever!
P.S. After months and months of caring a fuck about it, I finally joined twitter. (https://twitter.com/#!/LetThereBeFood) I must say, twitter badly needs some notification type thing like Facebook.
P.P.S.: Saw Puss in Boots. Few laughter moments. But a good watch nonetheless. I was really waiting for a Shrek or Donkey cameo, but there was none.