So Google turned thirteen recently. By now it must have started growing boobs and getting periods, you know all the puberty related hormonal changes. (I’m assuming Google is a female because it starts interrupting me and guessing what I’m about to say even before I’ve finished, and it never gives me one straight answer to a question)
Going by how Google commemorates great people by making a doodle for them, I have a new aim in life. After I die, Google should make a doodle on my birthday every year. (24th March, just in case anyone decides to give gifts or something. I’ll give you my address too if you want. I’m very cooperative that way.)
It is a sad but true fact that we live in times where a social networking site has become an indispensable part of everyone’s lives (so much so that when you ask someone to choose between death and deleting Facebook account, they actually take a pause to think) and where a revolutionary cellular network technology is touted as a birth control measure.
Facebook is nothing but Wannabe-Land. Everyone on that site is someone they want to be, and not someone they are (I’m not saying that I’m not included in that someone.)
And based on my observations of the Wannabe-Land, I have concluded that all the people on Facebook can be categorized into the following species:
1) IRRITATINGUS CHATTINGUS:
We had already forgotten about them, but they hadn’t. These species generally belong to your past (school, in most cases), and you consider them as important as News Headlines mentioning Rakhi Sawant. This is the reason why you never searched them on Facebook ever. But they did. And they found you. And they added you. And now you have to add them back. But it doesn’t just end there. These species also want to chat!
2) IRRITATINGUS BHIKHARIUS:
This specie belongs to the Irritatingus Chattingus family. These are the people that upload a new profile pic, in which they think they’re looking better. Then out of the blue they tell you ‘Hey’. And then, skipping all small talk, they come to the point, and start pestering you to like and comment on their pics.
3) ROMANCIO CHEESIUS:
We all know them. We all have at least one of their kind in our friends list, infesting our walls with their mushy statuses for each other. Their statuses, their photos, their profile pics, everything ooze of extreme show off of their relationships. I hope they all break up some day. Or worse, their moms make an account.
At times, all of us feel like permanently removing all notifications from such people. You know that ‘Hide All Posts’ option. But we don’t, in the sheer hope that someday this specie will upload a smooching pic, that we can gossip about, and it will all be worth it.
4) ROMANCIO CHEESIUS – JOBLESS FRIENDUS:
This specie is from the Romancio Cheesius family. These are the friends of such couples, who like and comment on their statuses and pics. I hope they break up someday too.
5) NO SELF-RESPECTUS:
They like their own status.
6) COPIUS PASTIUS:
This specie has two types. One is generally feminine, that irritates the shit out of sane people like me by copy-pasting the cheesiest and the most clichéd quotes on love and friendship as their status. The other is masculine. The masculine species work hard. They devote a lot of time to find out an awesome, albeit never heard of, and generally funny quote, on Google, and copy paste that on their wall. And then they smugly await the comments from dumb bimbos who actually think they’ve come up with that status on their own.
I have a treatment for the masculine species. Whenever you see a status that’s too cool for the guy who’s put it, just search the whole thing in Google. If you find it, just read another cool quote on that same web page. And then comment on that guy’s status:
Ha Ha Ha. This one’s funny. I found another one in the same website where you found this (Copy Paste the other funny quote here)
Doing this would make you fall under the ‘SADISTIC ARE-US’ species.
These people believe in each and every chain status update*, and keep copy pasting the same.
*Chain Status Update Example: Dear Friends. Facebook has lost its mind. It is going crazy, running naked on the streets with a long stick and poking people. If you do not want Facebook to secretly come and circumcise you while you’re sleeping, then copy-paste this as your status update, and Facebook will kill mosquitoes in your room with the Chinese electric racket free for one year.
8) LIKUS EVERYTHINGUS:
This specie will click on the like button of each and every page possible. You constantly keep seeing that the person liked some movie, or some song, or some book. From Masterchef Australia to Masturbate Afghanistan, they like everything under the sun, even things that are absolutely meaningless to everyone, like that Amplifier song.
9) HOTIO CHICKUS:
These are the hot/ good looking chicks on FB, whose profiles show only their name and their profile pics. All other information, including the ‘Add Friend’ button, are better hidden than the secrets of Area 51.
10) HOTIO CHICKUS – WANNABEUS:
These are those average-looking girls who somehow are photogenic. People consider them to be good looking on the basis of their albums, until they see them in real.
This specie also includes the fat but decent looking girls, all of whose profile pics would be strictly above the neck.
Well, these are the only species I could think of for now. If you know more, feel free to write in the comments. If yours turn out to be funnier than mine, I shall delete that comment. Don’t behave like Irritatingus Chattingus then.
In fact, I hope all you readers fall under least one of these species and get offended, as that will finally give me the opportunity to use the divine phrase, ‘Mind It!’